Thursday, December 15, 2011

Best Winter Activities Ever!

1. Freezing:
Experience the joy Han Solo felt when he realized he was in love with Princess Leia.

2. Playing Hide And Seek With Abominable Snowmen:
They're great at hiding!  A little too good.

3. Helping Out The Elves At Santa's Workshop:
By that, we mean working at a sweatshop along with child laborers.

4. Drinking Eggnog Without the Egg Or The Nog:
Just drinking.  (Warning: Drink responsibly.  Don't run over grandma or a reindeer.)

5. New Year's Eve:
Countdown to the end of the Mayan calendar!  Hooray???

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Worst Horror Movie Clichés Ever!

1. Hockey Masked Killers:
This cliché unfairly tarnishes the upstanding reputation of hockey which has never been associated with violence in any way.  The combination of hockey and violence are simply unimaginable.

2. Death While Taking A Shower:
This is just a shameless way to gratuitously show sexy plumbing fixtures.  The plumbing industrial complex pays Hollywood studios to display plumbing products in their movies to subliminally advertise hot, exposed pipes.

3. The Supernatural:
Demons, goblins, and evil spirits are silly hokum and do not exist.  They were ghostbusted to extinction years ago.

4. The Twisted Genius Killer Who Outsmarts The Police:
Killers are not geniuses.  You'll never see a butcher who graduated from Harvard.  Harvard doesn't even offer a butcher degree.

5. Toxic Waste That Creates Monsters:
Toxic waste doesn't create monsters.  Toxic waste IS the monster.  (Paid for by the Anti-Toxic Waste Non-Industrial Complex)

6. Killing Sprees That Occur On Specific Holidays:
This is just a shameless way to remind people to buy Hallmark holiday cards... and to go on killing sprees.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Best Superhero Fashion Accessories Ever!

1. The Superhero Cape:
Both stylish and practical.  Useful for hiding weapons and evildoer bloodstains.  Also useful for detecting which way the wind is blowing.

2. Customized Utility Belt:
A handy way to store crime fighting gadgets while on the go.  Also holds up one's pants which is important since crime fighting burns up a lot of calories, resulting in rapid weight loss.

3. Speedo Underwear Worn On The Outside Of Tights:
It helps emphasize a superhero's bulging masculinity.  Useful in attracting damsels in distress and crotch sniffing dogs.

4. Superhero Emblem:
Usually emblazoned on a superhero's chest, it distinguishes one's personal set of speedo underwear worn on the outside of tights from every other speedo underwear worn on the outside of tights.  Useful for marketing one's heroic deeds in the media and getting the all-important merchandising deals.  Speedos cost money after all.

5. The Mask:
It protects a superhero's secret identity and instantly transforms ugly superheroes into magazine cover mystery men of action.  Also good for bank robberies.  Speedos cost money after all.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Worst Nobel Prizes Ever!

1. Physics:
Awarded for the invention of the Ring of Invisibility, but no Frodo and no Golem!  And batteries not included!  (Not precious.  Not precious at all.)

2. Literature:
"Harry Potter and the Mystery of the Pubic Hairs."  A young wizard's discovery of his changing body, as if by magic.

3. Peace:
Awarded to some dove they found in magician David Copperfield's pants.  It was covered with strange hairs.

4. Chemistry:
Non-intoxicating crystal meth.  Charlie Sheen was upset over this for two and a half weeks.

5. Medicine:
Charlie Sheen's Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA serum.  Charlie Sheen was high over this for two and a half weeks.  Charlie Sheen was so happy, he "donated" his Nobel Prize money to his crystal meth dealer.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Best New Careers For Charlie Sheen... Ever!

1. Two And A Half Men?:
It stars Charlie Sheen and his father Martin Sheen who's trying to save Charlie from his out of control, drug addled, sex depraved life.  The 1/2 man is played by a transvestite prostitute Charlie picked up.

2. Born Again Christian Televangelist:
Charlie Sheen's "redemption" story will include encounters with transvestite prostitutes.  But that was before he found Jesus (Jesus is a Hispanic drug dealer friend and wise man).

3. Crackhouse Manager:
Charlie Sheen can combine his work and play.  (Do they still have crackhouses?  Don't hear about them much these days.)

4. Spin City 2 And 1/2:
This time the spinning is Charlie Sheen's drug-induced dizziness.  (Guest starring Michael J. Fox!)

5. Inventor Of Tiger Blood And Adonis DNA Serum:
This scientific achievement will transform an ordinary man into a god!  (The Ancient Greek type of god who wear togas and eat grapes over their heads.)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Worst Donald Trump Projects Ever!

1. The Trump Sewage Processing Plant In Beautiful Atlantic City:
Since this gold-plated waste facility began operating, a record number of old men with metal detectors at the beach have found "treasure" consisting of toxic metals.  (Coincidence?  I think not!)

2. The Search For Barack Obama's Birth Certificate:
According to Trump: "I've made some incredible discoveries!  I discovered that Barack Obama has no library card!"

3. The "You're Fired!" Triangle Shirtwaist Factory:
Named after the infamous burned building and site of many tragic deaths, Trump shows his trademark "class."  (It's gold-plated to match the color of fire.)

4. The New Miss Universe Pageant:
It features Jabba the Hutt's wife representing planet Tatooine.

5. Donald Trump's Meticulously Constructed Comb Over:
You're not fooling anyone.

6. "Apprentice: Comb Over":
Learn from the master how to build a meticulously constructed comb over.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Worst Urban Legends Ever!

1. Waking Up In An Unfamiliar Hotel Room And Discovering That A Kidney Was Removed:
False.  They take half of the brain.  The half that dumb people don't use.

2. Santa Claus Evicted Superman From His Fortress Of Solitude Home At The North Pole:
When the Daily Planet went out of business, Clark Kent was unemployed and could no longer afford the rent.  Clark Kent had to sell his glasses too.

3. Richard Gere Wants To Marry A Gerbil That... (EUPHEMISM ALERT) Somehow Burrowed Into His Bikini Area:
The Dalai Lama will perform the marriage ceremony.

4. Walt Disney Was Cryogenically Frozen And Used To Cool The Booze Of An Alcoholic Mickey Mouse Depressed By The Death Of His Creator:
An alcoholic Mickey Mouse...  That would explain why Mickey Mouse is often shirtless.

5. Waking Up In An Unfamiliar Hotel Room And Discovering That A Finger On Each Hand Was Removed:
Mickey Mouse always wanted five fingers on each of his hands instead of four.  Mickey Mouse blames Walt Disney for this deformity.

6. An Alligator Living In the New York City Sewers Crawled Up A Toilet And Bit Donald Trump's Head Off (CORRECTION: Bit Donald Trump's Butt Off):
Common mistake given where most people think Trump's head is located.

7. Batman Contracted A Disease From Touching Bat Guano In The Batcave:
Now you know why Batman wears gloves.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Best Financial Disasters Ever!

1. The Bubblegum Bubble Burst Of 1929:
Bootleg liquor smugglers, swinging flappers, Dust Bowl farmers, and FDR were all covered by a thin layer of gum... which of course gummed up the economy for the next decade.

2. Prior To Bernie Madoff's Pyramid Scheme Collapsing, Madoff's Lesser Known Octagon Scheme Went Belly Up.

3. The Explosion Of The "Star Wars" Death Star:
According to "Robot Chicken," the Emperor hadn't even made all the payments on it yet.  But don't worry, TARP bailed him out.

4. The Explosion Of The "Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi" Death Star 2:
TARP 2.  It's a good thing the galaxy has so many taxpayers.

5. When A Bird Landed On Richie Rich's Solid Gold Mansion, Exceeding the Weight Limit Of The Ground Below:
This resulted in the mansion sinking to the center of the earth with Richie Rich trapped inside.  (Hooray for gravity!)

6. The Downgrading Of The U.S. Debt Rating:
This will increase interest rates for loans, making it impossible to build Death Star 3.  (We love "Star Wars" but 6 movies are enough.)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Worst Hillbillies Ever!

1. The Creepy Old Man Who Tried To Scare The Scooby Doo Gang:
He would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.

2. George W. Bush:
(The "W" stands for "Where them WMD's at?")  He's not even a real hillbilly.  He just plays one on TV.  "W" was born into an aristocratic New England family who haven't counted on their toes in generations.  They have servants to do their toe-counting for them.

3. The Pig-Squealing Molesters In "Deliverance":
Because of that movie, entire religions have stopped eating pork.

4. Colonel Sanders:
The Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) spokesman and CEO helped cause American's obesity problem.  (Thanks for all the fat people, jerk!  No offense to the fat people.  We're on your side.)

5. The Hillbilly Who Burned Down Abraham Lincoln's Log Cabin Because Lincoln was Book Learnin':
You can burn a book, but you can't destroy the knowledge from that book learnin'.  Unless, of course, you burn the brain that contains that book learnin'.

6. The Sheriff On "The Dukes Of Hazzard":
Not only is he corrupt, but he can't even jump his car over a river.  It's a small river.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Worst Food Combinations Ever!

1. Pop Rocks and Soda:
(Warning: May cause spontaneous head explosion.)

2. Pop Rocks and Viagra:
(Warning: May cause spontaneous head explosion.)

3. Soylent Green and Homeless People:
Tastes like unwashed feet.

4. Pork Chops and Falafel:
Many holy wars have been started over this.

5. Matter and Antimatter Sandwich:
(Warning: This combination may destroy the universe.  Eat with caution.)

6. Ham and Bellybutton Cheese Sandwich:
Although eating cheese that is grown on your body is cost-efficient, this would make you a cannibal.

7. Sweet and Sour Anything:
Sweet and sour are completely opposite.  It doesn't make any sense whatsoever and therefore should not ever be combined under any circumstances.  End of discussion.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Best Ways To Stay Cool When It's Hot Ever!

1. Put your clothes in the refrigerator.  And if that doesn't work, put yourself in the refrigerator.

2. Drink a tall glass of anti-antifreeze.

3. Get a job in Santa Claus' toy factory.  They offer full medical and dental and free room and board.

4. Rent a room in Superman's Fortress of Solitude in the North Pole (next door to Santa Claus).  Superman's lonely up there... all that solitude.

5. Blow up the sun Bruce Willis-style.

6. Alter your DNA to develop mutant weather control powers.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Worst Science Experiments Ever!

1. Isaac Newton dropping apples on people's heads to test the Apple Concussion Theory.  Newton loved apples... falling on people's heads.

2. The Hubble space telescope used for peeping extraterrestrial sex acts.

3. Transforming water into wine, and said wine into urine.

4. The failed cloak of invisibility experiments that resulted in the public shaming of many naked scientists.  (Sigh)  Poor naked scientists.

5. The failed ring of invisibility experiments that resulted in the public shaming of many naked "Lord of the Rings" fans.  (Sigh)  Poor naked "Lord of the Rings" fans.  (Damn you, Frodo!  It's all your fault!)

6. The botched cloning of Tina Fey: Project Sarah Palin.

7. Albert Einstein's hair style.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Worst Comic Book Characters Ever!

1. Richie Rich:
This jobless inheritor of a vast fortune built upon the exploitation of workers and ravaging of the environment has the nerve to ask for sympathy with his billion dollar propaganda campaign declaring him "a poor little rich boy."

2. Jimmy Olsen:
Superman's annoying photographer pal with the itchy camera finger is the inspiration of every paparazzi.  Olsen's candid photos of Superman in his red underwear created our current era of celebrity skin.  Celebrity skin...  (drool)  Okay, maybe Jimmy Olsen isn't so bad.

3. The Hulk:
This green steroid freak inspired Arnold Schwarzenegger to pump his way to fame, thus leading to the groping of the state of California and many housekeepers.  (click here for more details)

4. Rubber Man:
Rubber Man may keep you safe, but it just doesn't feel as good.

5. Wonder Woman's Corset:
That golden bird-shaped bra thing is constantly in the way of two wonders of the world!  (Her magic lasso and magic bracelets.)  No wonder gold birds are an endangered species.

6. Clayface:
This Batman villain is just a ripoff of the lesser known "Mudface."  Mudface has the power to rejuvenate wrinkled skin with a patented formula of hydroxidates.  Mudface is the reason why Wonder Woman does not currently look like a 70 year old.

7. Robin:
The Boy Wonder does not have Wonder Woman's wonders and is 50% responsible for one of the worst movies of all time, 1997's "Batman & Robin."  And judging by Robin's costume, he is also color-blind.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Worst Animals To Get Attacked By... Ever!

1. Bears:
Even if you're lucky enough to survive a vicious bear attack with all the biting and clawing and helpless screaming, bear attack victims often develop an irrational fear of plush toys and cutesy honey bottles.

2. Skunks:
The noxious odor of a skunk attack will give people the impression that you are homeless or a French stereotype.  This will increase the likelihood that you are given spare change by total strangers, but also increase the likelihood of being accused of rape by both humans and black cats.

3. Flies:
Being attacked by a swarm of flies can lead to being mistaken for a rotting zombie and subsequently getting a shotgun blast to the face.

4. Jabba the Hutt:
This clinically obese desert slug is worse than a French banker with ze large wallet for ze condoms and ze defense attorney money.

5. Goldfish:
Though goldfish attacks are rarely fatal, the embarrassment when people find out you were attacked by a goldfish can be quite stinging.  Goldfish victims often live lives of silent shame.

6. Spiders:
Spider venom can be lethal.  Being bitten by a spider can also lead to starring in much hyped Broadway musicals and subsequently plummeting to certain death while web swinging.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Best Illegitimate Children Ever!

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Housekeeper Baby": 
This "half Austrian/half cyborg vacuum cleaner" baby ruined Arnold's political career before the Governator could grope 49 other states, thus preventing the Apocalypse.
Hollywood has already capitalized on this scandal.  Watch Kindergarten Cop 2: Family Reunion starring Arnold Schwarzenegger & Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer below or on YouTube by clicking here.

2. Sarah Connor's Son:
Before Arnold's "housekeeper baby" prevented the Apocalypse, it was Sarah Connor's son who was destined to save the world.  Now his new destiny is to travel back in time to supply condoms to Arnold.

3. Every Illegitimate Baby That Has Appeared On "The Maury Povich Show":
These kids have entertained millions of people across the U.S. for many years, and for that we salute them and declare, "We ARE the baby's father!"

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Best TV Episodes Ever!

1. X-Files:
The one where Mulder and Scully search for the Lucky Charms Leprechaun to end the Saint Patrick's Day Curse.  They find the leprechaun but cannot find his green clovers and purple horseshoes.

2. Friends:
The one where Chandler realizes he's straight and shaves his legs for the last time.
CHANDLER: "Can I BEEEE anymore hetero? I think I'll marry Monica now."

3. Simpsons:
The one where Homer meets his twin brother, Family Guy, and Mr. Burns fires them both.

4. American Idol:
The one where Simon Cowell wears a white t-shirt instead of his usual black and is attacked by Randy Jackson for this obvious racial symbolism of white power.  Simon Cowell screams like a little British girl during his brutal pummeling.

5. Seinfeld:
The one where Jerry commits Kramer to a mental hospital to get Kramer the help he so desperately needs.  It was a "very special episode" of Seinfeld.

6. The episode where the United States stopped analog television broadcasts and millions of TV screens turned to static.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Best Videos of the Week... Ever!

1. Master Yoda and Slave Luke:
"Hot Jedi action!" (There's no sex.  Really!  Watch it below or on YouTube by clicking here.)

2. Vice Presidential Candidate John Edwards' "An Inconvenient Truth About My Baby Mama."

3. Osama Bin Laden's "Sex Under the Sea" Video: 
"Hot mermaid action!  See Bin Laden use all his bullet holes!" (There's sex.  Really!)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Best Republican Candidates for President in 2012... Ever!

1. The Terminator: Not Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The actual robot.  A Republican President should have an iron fist and self-repairing circuitry since Republicans hate health care.

2. The Fictional Black President on "24": He has previous experience as President (although he was only President for 24 hours), he supports torture, and he wasn't born in Kenya.

3. George Lucas: He likes "wars" and robots like the Terminator.  Plus the force is strong with him!

4. Alfred E. Neuman: The smiley-faced "Mad Magazine" mascot's signature catch phrase "What?  Me worry?" ties in perfectly with Republican hatred of social safety nets.

5. Tina Fey: Republicans will like her because she looks like Sarah Palin, but we chose Tina Fey because Palin sucks.  Literally, her husband said so. (Sorry, ladies, errr women, errr females?)

6. Dr. Barry Feinberg, DDS: This successful dentist likes to "drill, baby, drill!"  Also, Sarah Palin's husband said Dr. Feinberg's broken saliva vacuum does not suck.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Best Politically Correct Euphemisms Ever!

1. The Homeless: The Artists Formerly Known As Hobos.

2. Garbage Men: Collectors of lost art.

3. Nazis: Collectors of lost arks. (Mr. Spielberg, I need my check now.)

4. House Slaves: Waiters without benefits.

5. Field Slaves: The guy that mows my lawn.

6. Thieves: The greed-challenged. (Also known as collectors of "lost" money.)

7. Pirates: Real life Cap'n Crunches.

8. Pirate Henchmen: Real life Lieutenant Crunches.

9. Pirate Parrots: Culinary Delicacies.

War and peace... together at last?  Click here for more info.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Worst Conspiracy Theories Ever!

1. Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin in Kenya, Africa (Show us your birth certificate, Mr. Lincoln!  Show us your birth certificate!).

2. Area 51 contains alien bodies from Mexico (Show us your birth certificates, alien Mexicans!  Show us your birth certificates!).

3. The Internet was invented by Al Gore to distribute Bill Clinton's "Interns Gone Wild" sex videos.

4. The Hostess Cake Company doesn't want us to know that the center of the earth has a delicious "creme" filling.

5. Flying saucers come from your anus.  Yes, your personal anus.

6. The Chernobyl nuclear accident was started by Homer Simpsonovsky.  Coincidence, I think not!

7. All conspiracy theories come from tin foil hats (Human heads not necessary.).

8. All sane ideas come from saran wrap turbans.