Best News Stories of the Week!

(by: funtasticlist.blogspot.com)

1. U.S. Congress Announces New Budget Cuts.
The price of congressional haircuts will be reduced by 50%, thus saving taxpayers over 2 trillion dollars annually.  (If the government says so, it MUST be true!  If you do not believe it to be true, please fill out Form 1040-IOU and submit it to George W. Bush's ranch.)

2. Speaker Of The House John Boehner Says, "These Cuts Are Sweeping.  They Will Be Swept Off The Floor After Every Trim."
Mr. Boehner then began his usual 4 p.m. crying and asked that his tears be swept off his face.  (Mopped, sir.  The correct word is mopped.)

3. George W. Bush Seen Cutting The Bushes Outside His Ranch.
Mr. Bush was then seen burning piles of Form 1040-IOU.

A funny cartoon!  If cows could talk, this is what they would say.  Click here for more info.

Worst Excuses Ever For Not Showing Up For Work!

(by: funtasticlist.blogspot.com)

1. "My dog ate my homework.  I mean my dog ate my home.  Yeah, that's the ticket!  I have a really big dog... a red dog."

2. Your work desk somehow "scared you" and you needed time off to calm your nerves.

3. You got lead poisoning from using the office pencils too often.

4. Your clothes got snagged in a bank vault door that only opens once a day.  You were a victim of the rigged banking industry.  And they stole your TARP bailout money too so you can't afford to get fired.

5. "I quit!"  (Unless you really want to quit.)

Flying saucers destroying the world!  U.F. Oh No!  Alien humor imported to earth for the first time.  Get your laughs while you still can!  Click here for more info.

Best Excuses Ever For Not Showing Up For Work!

(by: funtasticlist.blogspot.com)

1. Blame a sudden emergency weather condition.  Say the words "FLASH FLOOD!" as often as you can as fast as you can.

2. Use patriotism to your advantage.  Blame foreign terrorists that kidnapped you while buying Freedom Fries at your local American-owned fast food restaurant.

3. When using illness as an excuse, the more obscure the disease, the better.  The common cold is for liars.  Typhoid fever is for honest, hard-working people.

4. Say God ordered you not to work.  Include the words "rest on the Sabbath" and "new religious holiday" as often as you can as fast as you can.

5. Say your boss had given you the day off but because your boss had been working SO hard, your boss forgot about it.  Suggest that your boss could use a day off so that he/she doesn't lose the rest of his/her memory and smile with the satisfaction of a successful con!

War and peace... together at last?  Click here for more info.